Thursday, October 30, 2014

Walk Away from God or Choose to Walk with Him

There will be disruption in your life.  You can either choose to walk away from God or Choose to walk with him.

And then I hung up the phone.  What is a girl suppose to do in reaction to a call like that.  Someone had passed away.  Not just someone, someone I knew. Someone I loved.  Someone I was important.  

It wasn't a conversation I wanted to have but we pulled the boys out of bed and made the choice to tell them.   "He is Gone."  My son had been praying for weeks.  We knew it was something that could happen but we were hoping, praying, pleading that it wouldn't.  What child should die? Why should any child leave us? 

Their reaction was disbelief. Then they cried and then they calmed down. We sent them back to bed like it was any other night. Like we just woke them up to tell them the dog was loose, or double checking if they had brushed their teeth, or that we were going to clean the car tomorrow.  It was odd.  It wasn't like we told them that he was gone forever.  It wasn't like we had told them we would never see a child again. But we DID tell them that. It was awful and awkward and heartbreaking and confusing. 

Within minutes, I got extremely angry.  Angry at God for taking away someone so valuable. But I had prayed and to me it was almost as if I prayed along with the whole cyber world.  Why does God hurt? Why does he allow bad things to happen to the young that have so much potential.  Anger came over and frustration and I was furious.  I wanted to throw things. I cursed at God.  I told him I hated him.  I cried myself to sleep angry.

When I woke up I still felt anger in my heart.  Blood pressure high.  I never have ever reacted to death like that. Ever. In my 31 years.  I could always try to find the silver lining inside the situation.  But not now.  Not in these "gone at to young of an age" circumstances. 

A miracle, I prayed for a miracle.  My friend says, "Miracles are forgotten!" They are often called coincidences.   God rarely gets credit.  

My friend is probably right. Sigh.

Through all my anger I wish I had answers.  God can use people in different ways.  I can't hold onto the anger forever.  I could but what would that do to my family?  What would that do to me?  What would that do to my destiny?

Let go.

So I do.  I let.  I hope.  I have faith.  

I realize if God answered all the whys in my mind I would need nothing.  Faith nor Hope would not be needed in a world mapped out for us and a world mapped out for us where we knew the whys, the how comes, and the "wtf"s. Life without hope would suck. 

What if we knew the answers? Their would be no adventure, no surprises, no growth, and no choice of direction.  I would be a robot of sorts with an outer layer of skin.  

So we can call upon the universe or call on God.  We can call it God's Plan or call it destiny. So I will just continue on. God wants us to choose.  He wants us to choose him.    

So I will and with him comes hope and faith.

So I will and with it will come anger and questions.  Even though I don't understand.  Even though I am filled with anger at this exact moment.  Even though I can not comprehend.  All because a world with out hope and faith that there is a higher power of those things means no life at all to me.  

So I will continue.  God and I will have words.  Loud words.  I will pour out my heart to him.  I won't be pretty but it will be honest. 

We will have things to work out and in the end I will still not know the answers.  But I will have him and with that I will have life as the only way I know.  A life with God. Why?  Because I can't imagine life without hope.

Saturday, August 30, 2014

The Truth about Our Wednesdays

I am not sure if you read this blog because you enjoy our stories or not. Maybe you know me? Maybe this is your first time here via Google? I love to share my insights and blessings with the world because I am truly thankful and want people to learn from my mistakes, enjoy my successes, and be happy/sad with us as we grow into the family we were designed to be. Part of the journey of this family is me, a mom of 3, living with gastroparesis and POTS. (Among other things)

 It is a journey we didn't chose but it is our journey. My friends online know my heart and I am blessed to have them. So blessed. We share our stories and struggles electronically and I love being a digital girl! But I mainly write here for my children. I want them to have a record of my thoughts, raw and in the moment. I want this blog to be a space where they can look back. To me this blog is a modern day baby book. I am happy to share this letter with the public. I want to be real online. I have been told by some that I have to censor my thoughts as my online business may fail if I am to open about the challenges I face. I understand that perspective. I am professional and work very hard daily behind my computer. So hard.

 I also am online because I am real and human and struggle with sickness. That is part of my story. That is why I have readers in the first place because I am available to my readers and I share what is happening with me. Honestly. I have wavered with not saying a word as my health has slipped out of remission. I have a syndrome called POTS which causes me to faint occasionally and I have gastroparesis. My stomach is paralyzed. I look normal. I can even act normal. I can put on a good show some days. I have waited to fully process my progression before I spoke my words here. It has taken close to 9 months.  

For the last 9 months my Wednesdays have been booked. Booked because every Wednesday I go in and get stuck with needles, blood drawn, and doctors to evaluate me. Until now, my boss/bosses have never known and my readers have been mostly left in the dark.

Life continues and so does work. I work hard and hate to think that a vendor may pass me by because of my illness. That would be sad. I have the most loyal readers, likers, YouTube watchers EVER. One reason why is because I am online, real and available, to my readership.  

I know my kids will read about our days and adventures to some amazing places we have been. We haven't let our Wednesdays slow us down. We travel around Wednesdays. Making room in our schedules and smile Thursday through Tuesday. I never ever write about them though. What about our Wednesdays? Surely, they are living this with me and although Wednesdays are a tough day in our house I want them to look back at this post and realize how strong they all are. (We all are actually)

To my Kids that Read this in the Future: Mom here. I am starting this blog post on a Monday. I am wearing out but no worry. Wednesday is almost here. As you know Wednesdays are pretty rough in this house.

Every Wednesday, I set out for a round of infusions. This will probably never stop as they are keeping me alive. I am thankful for that and we try not to complain. They pump me full of liquid and as much vitamins as medically possible as the doctors can. I appreciate the staff! (They are awesome) Every Wednesday I look out the same window. It's my window I like to think.

Kids, You make out alright without me at home. This makes me happy yet sad. (Some solace there knowing if anything were to happen to me you guys would be ok) Dad sometimes drives me to the Cancer Center if I am having a bad day but mostly I can drive myself. Those are the good days, the days when I can drive. I do not have cancer. I am thankful for that and pray for those fighting that journey. I am fighting a different battle but right beside them. This battle, for some reason, was chosen for me, us really....our family. We face things together. Every Wednesday my veins are pumped with a liquid cocktail.  Some vitamins cannot be supplemented through IV. I try my best to deal. Protein is what I lack. My body stores my baby weight and I know that Zoey has added on a couple years to my life because she plumped me up a bit. I don't look sick. To many it is a mystery. Some say Gastroparesis is like slowly starving to death.

Sometimes it makes me feel weak. I get sick way too often. I hope you do not remember this part about me. I give blood so freely that I know which veins are a good stick. I wish my blood could benefit someone but it rarely is good enough for me. I hope by the time you guys are older and read this post that you do not remember your father tired and taking care of me on bad days. He loves me in sickness and in health. He recently told us all.  I cannot be the mother I dreamed of being but I am turning into a different kind of mom. I am finally ok and thankful for the mom that I truly am. I hope you are too. I pray about that one daily because I do not compare to what I once was.  I have found some skills that I never knew I had. It was the sickness that taught me these skills. But this letter isn't about me. After all, I have my Wednesday hooked up to a pump and that Wednesday gives me the gift of Thursday-Tuesday with you all. Those days are a gift. By Tuesday I am running on empty. When I am sick in bed I want you to know what I hear. It sounds something like this.

  • ......A big brother that helps with cooking and cleaning. You are an amazing young man. You underestimate yourself. I am convinced you are so strong. (Dude, I can't believe I am your mom. So Awesome!)

  • ....I hear a little big brother middle child that makes everyone giggle and laugh. You bring us some back up relief to a big brother who has excellent project managing skills. You help and do your part. You are so helpful! You keep me company and watch movies with me. I cherish these moments. You also play with your little sister. She is lucky to have you. So am I!
  • ......I hear a little girl. Who gives us hope. She drives us toddler crazy but I love listening from my room as big brothers explain the world, things, and play hide and seek for the 30th million time without being forced. (When Z girl is obviously right underneath the blanket.....again). Z, you are so amused. You bring such an unexpected light to this house. 
  • ....... I hear a husband who is patient and kind. Far from perfect, Wednesday is your day to shine as a dad. I hear your radiant example from bed. I see you entertain our kids and make sure they are all having fun. 

It isn't our problems that define us. It is how we react to them. After all, Wednesdays are our battle days. But everyone has their battles. Wednesdays just happens to be our day on the front line. We all have our own personal Wednesdays, even you reading!  What is your Wednesday? It can come in so many forms. Sickness, addiction, family problems. No one has a life filled of perfect weeks. 

 Dear Kids, one day you will have your own Wednesdays too. I hope I am there for you.  When you look back and read our blog posts about daily adventures, (We have had some great ones) I want you to realize we had our Wednesdays too. We will fight together what comes our way. Wednesdays may be difficult but they are our day of working as a team. 

Each situation teaches us a lesson. As you think back and think about our Wednesdays I want you to see what each one taught you. There is a lesson in here somewhere. We are all getting taught. The question is, when will you learn. May the lessons we are learning today make for a stronger family tomorrow. The truth is, together, Wednesdays do not have anything on us.