Saturday, November 1, 2014

Happy Halloween (2)

We found our family holiday.  I was surprised that "our" holiday has become Halloween.  Being from a fairly conservative Christian upbringing this did surprise me but it is my favorite.  We plan over the course of many days what we will dress up as. (Usually the whole family goes as one theme but not this year). Today the boys walked the streets collecting candy from house to house with Dad. You hung back and we drank warm Apple Cider and ate fresh sugar cookies. Last night, I tried to pretend I am not sick.  

We love you!  Even though you were the craziest Minnie Mouse I ever saw also were the cutest.  Love you ! 

Thursday, October 30, 2014

Said Doggy

Hey Baby Girl,

With everything going on in this house and Jp getting ready for "Oliver the Musical" you have kept us smiling.

We are pretty sure you said awesome last week.  Mom and Dad are fighting over who you were talking about.  I am pretty sure you were talking about me. ;)

Today you said Doggy. 

Your little voice is so beautiful. Music is alive and well in the house.  Piano lessons and the musical keep people smiling. You even walk around the house with a recorder playing music of your own.  

We love you.  Make no mistake about it though.  You have entered you two's early.  Coloring on the wall and climbing.  We just can't get enough of you. 

Walk Away from God or Choose to Walk with Him

There will be disruption in your life.  You can either choose to walk away from God or Choose to walk with him.

And then I hung up the phone.  What is a girl suppose to do in reaction to a call like that.  Someone had passed away.  Not just someone, someone I knew. Someone I loved.  Someone who was important.  

It wasn't a conversation I wanted to have but we pulled the boys out of bed and made the choice to tell them.   "He is Gone."  My son had been praying for weeks.  We knew it was something that could happen but we were hoping, praying, pleading that it wouldn't.  What child should die? Why should any child leave us? 

Their reaction was disbelief. Then they cried and then they calmed down. We sent them back to bed like it was any other night. Like we just woke them up to tell them the dog was loose, or double checking if they had brushed their teeth, or that we were going to clean the car tomorrow.  It was odd.  It wasn't like we told them that he was gone forever.  It wasn't like we had told them we would never see a child again. But we DID tell them that. It was awful and awkward and heartbreaking and confusing. 

Within minutes, I got extremely angry.  Angry at God for taking away someone so valuable. But I had prayed and to me it was almost as if I prayed along with the whole cyber world.  Why does God hurt? Why does he allow bad things to happen to the young that have so much potential.  Anger came over and frustration and I was furious.  I wanted to throw things. I cursed at God.  I told him I hated him.  I cried myself to sleep angry.

When I woke up I still felt anger in my heart.  Blood pressure high.  I never have ever reacted to death like that. Ever. In my 31 years.  I could always try to find the silver lining inside the situation.  But not now.  Not in these "gone at to young of an age" circumstances. 

A miracle, I prayed for a miracle.  My friend says, "Miracles are forgotten!" They are often called coincidences.   God rarely gets credit.  

My friend is probably right. Sigh.

Through all my anger I wish I had answers.  God can use people in different ways.  I can't hold onto the anger forever.  I could but what would that do to my family?  What would that do to me?  What would that do to my destiny?

Let go.

So I do.  I let.  I hope.  I have faith.  

I realize if God answered all the whys in my mind I would need nothing.  Faith nor Hope would not be needed in a world mapped out for us and a world mapped out for us where we knew the whys, the how comes, and the "wtf"s. Life without hope would suck. 

What if we knew the answers? Their would be no adventure, no surprises, no growth, and no choice of direction.  I would be a robot of sorts with an outer layer of skin.  

So we can call upon the universe or call on God.  We can call it God's Plan or call it destiny. So I will just continue on. God wants us to choose.  He wants us to choose him.    

So I will and with him comes hope and faith.

So I will and with it will come anger and questions.  Even though I don't understand.  Even though I am filled with anger at this exact moment.  Even though I can not comprehend.  All because a world with out hope and faith that there is a higher power of those things means no life at all to me.  

So I will continue.  God and I will have words.  Loud words.  I will pour out my heart to him.  I won't be pretty but it will be honest. 

We will have things to work out and in the end I will still not know the answers.  But I will have him and with that I will have life as the only way I know.  A life with God. Why?  Because I can't imagine life without hope.